Useless
by DutchLady
Summary: There comes a point in one's life when you feel useless. For John Sheppard that moment is now. Tag for season 5 'The Shrine'. John Sheppard's POV.


_My first ever SGA-fic. I've had a rather unhealty SGA obssesion lately, and after watching the season 5 episode 'The Shrine' this came into my head. Concrit is very welcome. I'm hoping to expand my horizon further then simpy writing Doctor Who-fics. I cried watching 'The Shrine' and so this small little one-shot happens during the episode. _

**Useless**

The day I met Doctor Rodney McKay was the day that changed my life. It was on that day that I saw the Stargate for the first time, and saw it open in that astonishing way it does and I stepped though it for the first time –I was mildly terrified, but in the good way. It makes you feel alive. On that same day I decided that I would never be able to get along with McKay. The man was arrogant, a self proclaimed genius –which annoyingly, he is-, wouldn't be able to be humble to save his live, and had about the emotional range of a teaspoon.

So why I chose him for my team was something that I couldn't really explain during that first year. But slowly, I got to know him better, and McKay changed. The loss of Ford hit him hard, harder then he would ever dare to admit. I know that McKay was weary of Ronon when the huge man joined our expedition, but those two became really good friends, or maybe McKay just goes along with Ronon, because he is terrified of him, I'm still not entirely sure.

And when we lost Doctors Becket and Weir, both inside of a month, Rodney -because now I thought of him as Rodney- could no longer hide his feelings. People who don't know him like I do may think that he didn't care about their deaths, because he kept working; I knew that he kept working to forget. To forget about hurting so much.

A while ago, Ronon, Teyla and I stood on a balcony of Atlantis, looking over the vast ocean of Lantea. We were under attack from the Replicators, and were coming up with plans, and Ronon said that he felt useless, because in this situation he couldn't do anything to help. Give him a gun, point him to some Wraith and he's your man, but being put in a situation where he couldn't fight, the man felt useless.

And that is how I feel now.

Useless.

I look at Rodney, sitting in that wheelchair in isolation, and I'm hurting. Hurting for him. Because the man with the most brilliant mind in two galaxies doesn't even remember his own name. A parasite in his brain is making him forget everything that he knows. A few days ago he had gotten mad and had said that by now he had forgotten more than most people ever knew. I tried to laugh, but found myself unable.

It was so unfair.

Rodney can't survive this, no matter what Doc Keller says or tries to do for him. And I know that I told Rodney that we would find a way for him to survive this, but I must admit that at the time I was lying, even to myself.

On the day that I die I hope that I will have all my memories; including that very rude, arrogant, brilliant man, a man who I consider to be one of my best friends of all time. The man, that had worked wonders and minor miracles, when the situation demanded no less.

Do you know how I will remember Doctor Rodney McKay, my fondest memory of him? It was created only a few days ago. Rodney had woken up in the infirmary, all alone. He got out of bed and had started looking for me, screaming my name at the top of his voice. I know he didn't remember where my quarters were, but somehow he found them and woke me up. He told me that he had woken up alone and that he had been scared. That brilliant man was scared of forgetting everything, including me. Half an hour later we were sitting at the very edge of the South pier with a six-pack. And we laughed when he called me Arthur, and sat in silence. Words no longer mattered, only our friendship.

I didn't feel useless then, but I do now. Utterly useless, because my best friend is dying and there is nothing that I can do to stop it.

I feel useless… I am useless.

The End

_How was it? Good, bad? Please let me know._


End file.
